Sympathy vs. empathy - Don’t be a stranger!
Have you ever shared a personal struggle or trauma with a person you felt was close to you, and their response was not what you expected? You could even say their response was outright disappointing, like they didn’t know you, and you immediately regretted sharing your experience with them. That hollow feeling of knowing they could not comfort you could have come from a lack of empathy.
When I think of the words sympathy and empathy, I lump them together to mean one thing in my mind–”I feel sorry for you”. That, by definition, is not what sympathy and empathy are. Here is what Merriam-Webster says about sympathy versus empathy–”Sympathy is a feeling of sincere concern for someone. Empathy involves stepping into that person's shoes to actively share in their emotional experience.” In an article put out by Psychiatric Medical Care, they take it a step further in explaining that sympathy creates separation and empathy creates connection.
Think of it this way– if a coworker you don’t work closely with is grieving a loss, you would sign a sympathy card along with everyone from the office. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that response, because you are not in close relation with that coworker. That is the value of sympathy as we understand it in our society. Sympathy is the genuine care you have for someone going through a difficult experience. On the other hand– if your close friend is grieving a loss, and you do nothing to reach out to your friend, that friend may question how deep of a friendship you have with them. When you have a deep relationship with someone, you should be able to empathize without thinking twice about whether that is an appropriate response or not.
To understand how to show true empathy, and share empathy between you and others, there are three key qualities you ought to be pursuing in your relationships, in hopes that others would share these qualities with you– curiosity, honesty, and vulnerability.
Curiosity is a natural part of any new relationship. Asking questions to gauge how much you can relate to similar ideas or interests. What do you do when you don’t share almost anything in common with someone? Childhood, social status, interests and hobbies–nothing matches. Can you still have a deep relationship with that person? Yes! When your curiosity goes beyond seeking information that only applies or relates to you, you can genuinely learn about someone, thus deepening your relationship. Curiosity goes both ways, and takes a certain amount of interest to create these deep relationships. You might be surprised at how little two people need to have in common to become very good friends, and be able to empathize with each other. Hand-in-hand with curiosity is honesty.
Honesty sounds pretty straight forward–just be honest, don’t lie. The tricky thing about being honest with others is that it requires that you first be honest with yourself. This is assuming that you want to believe that what you say is true. There have been times in my life where I bent the truth to come off as more successful around my peers, to the point where I convinced myself that it could be true. I was lacking honesty in my thoughts and reality. I couldn’t bear to look at my situation objectively because I thought it was too negative a reality to share with anyone. These thoughts, of course, were my ego talking. Honesty takes a level of humility I am still learning to grow. Honesty is difficult because it is vulnerable, but vulnerability is a super-power in strengthening your relationships!
Dr. Margaret Rutherford has a great episode from her podcast “Self Work” titled “Why Risk Telling Your Truth? Why Risk Vulnerability?”. She dives into the growth and change that came after being vulnerable about her own mental health struggles publicly. Vulnerability has the power to connect people in a significantly deeper way than sharing strengths does. If you don’t share your vulnerabilities with anyone, even those you know are closest to you, you can unknowingly build a wall around your ability to empathize. Being vulnerable is extremely frightening. It’s no wonder why many people choose not to be, even with themselves. When you can face your vulnerabilities head on, and share them honestly with people who are genuinely curious from the standpoint of understanding you deeper, you will have cracked the code on creating deep meaningful relationships. Your vulnerabilities do not define who you fully are, just as your strengths don’t. It’s the peaks and valleys that create a beautiful landscape.
Empathy is a difficult task, and can definitely come easier to some than others. As humans, we are growing and learning every single day. I hope one day I can master being curious, honest, and vulnerable in all of my relationships without judgment. That way, I’ll never be a stranger.
- Written by Kennedy Munevar
References:
Merriam-Webster Sympathy vs. Empathy definitions - https://www.merriam-webster.com/grammar/sympathy-empathy-difference
Psychiatric Medical Care blog post - https://www.psychmc.com/blogs/empathy-vs-sympathy
Dr. Margaret Rutherford “Self Work” podcast episode - https://open.spotify.com/episode/17eggVEPqMdRc1n1DnJ0Eh?si=34c0d683660e41fc